The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - June 7, 2002
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Ok, quick rundown of the upcoming weekend.  Friday - Metallic Onslaught.
Shoebox from the Worm Quartet will be joining Jeffie the Radio Guy, Joe, and
Lance for an interview and I assume a good deal of participation.  Rick will
not be on this week.  BUT, there will be a VERY special guest aside from
Shoebox...

Saturday - The Last Exit for the Lost.  Nothing particular planned for this
week.  As I said in the last mailing, I have heard rumors of a return
character, but they are wholly unconfirmed at this time...

This conversation did occur this week as regards the status of Vern...

***** From the Desk of Zoltan The Avenger *****

* Denotes LE Newsletter quotes...

* [Vern] somehow managed to escape from the Vacuum that Zoltan put him in a
couple of weeks ago.

No way that linty little bastard escapes from my Mighty Vern-Proof Lint-bag
of Avengement by himself! He must've had help on the outside! I suspect
very Friendly help... I will get to the bottom of this, and when I find
out, there will be some serious Avengement afoot!!! I mean it!!! Be
afraid!!!

* ...the Quaker's Wife showed up and ended up being kidnapped once again by
Vern.

NO, NO, NO, NO!!! WE MUST NOT ALLOW ANY MORE "MOPAKERS" INTO OUR ALREADY
LINT-CLOGGED WORLD!!! Geez, we hide the Quaker's Wife, and Vern humps the
Furry Hat -- BING! -- we have a FuzzNubby (who has since been fuzznapped by
Friend -- DAMN YOU, NO-FRIEND!!!).

Then, we sensibly hide the Furry Hat from Vern, and what does he do?? Yep,
he pulls the old yoink-'n'-boink with the Quaker's Wife. First of all, who
let the Quaker's Wife into a Vern-infested studio?! HELLO?!?! Those who
forget Last Exit history are doomed to have Vern really mess things up
again!!! Sheesh...

Remember, the last time this unholy Mopkin-Quaker union occurred, the
gestation period was a shocking two weeks! We have no time to waste! We
simply must locate the presumably & tragically knocked-up lint-carrier
and... well... all I'm gonna say is, "Dirt Devil"... GOT IT?!! NOW GET OFF
YER ASSES, DAMMIT!!!

(For those skeptical ninnies out there who now doubt that any lint-bag can
hold yet another Mopkin-related genetic abomination, I will have you know
that we will be using the New-&-Improved
Vern-&-All-Possible-Permutations-Of-His-Lint-Based-Offspring-Proof Lint-bag
of Hyper-Avengement -- Type "V". Suck-cessful post-suck containment will
thus be assured! ASSURED, I TELLS YA!!! ......No, I'm seriously this
time......)

-- Z.T.A.

From Vern...

I am now undergoing extensive psychotherapy to regain my lost memory of the
past
few weeks. I am quite sure that this whole vacuum thing is just a conspiracy
meant to confuse me and am determined to get to the bottom of this.
Fortunately, since this last week's show, I have been reunited with an old
friend who will help me see this horrible turn of events through till the
end, when you will all lie dead beneath my feet for plotting against me and
lying about my past whereabouts. Oh, and by the way Zoltan, it seems very
possible that this time the Quaker's Wife will not be producing only one
child of mine but a whole litter. Thought that might brighten up your day!

may the goddess of humping strike you down and erase any mention of this
fictional vacuum from further discussion,

-VVV

Back to ZTA...

***** From the Desk of Zoltan The Avenger *****

WHAT-WHAT-WHAT?!?! A WHOLE FREAKIN' LITTER OF MOPAKERS?!?!

AAAAAAHHH!!! NNNOOOOOO!!!

DAMN YOU -- you lecherous, lint-laden loser!!!
Damn you and your mopky-psychotic, multi-zygotic shenanigans!!!

Well, guess what?! I don't give a monkey's mudmuffin how many fuzzy li'l
freaks are growing inside the Quaker's Wife's belly!! So there!! :-P

...And ya wanna know why? Cuz: Nothing can defeat my very latest Dirt
Devil upgrade:

The EXTRA LARGE, LITTER-CATCHIN', New-&-Improved
Vern-&-All-Possible-Permutations-Of-His-Lint-Based-Offspring-Proof Lint-bag
of Hyper-Avengement -- Type "VXL"

HA!

:-P

-- Z.T.A.

I guess you can assume there will be some vacuuming done on the show this
week...
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The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught: Afterwards - June 10, 2002

Wow.  Yeah, that sums up this last weekend.  Wow.  Ok, first of all, the
attached pic is of Shoebox from the Worm Quartet, Zoltan the Avenger, and
Joe / Binky, the Host of The Metallic Onslaught.  Second, the show itself,
well, Shoebox was there, and there was definitely some interesting
interaction with he and Jeff.  Zoltan made an appearance as well, as did
Hollywood Lance.  The two of them eventually beat up Jeff.  It was one of
the craziest shows I think The Metallic Onslaught has ever put on.

Then, on The Last Exit, first, we had some listener who was rather irate
about the world not ending.  Apparently he had been in a shelter since the
14th and only came out Saturday, only to find the world still here.  This
is, in the end, Zoltan's fault, as he stole the Keys to the Apocalypse.
Apparently, the thing this guy was most upset about was missing the season
finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so maybe he should have stayed in the
shelter.  Zoltan showed up next and refused to believe that Vern had escaped
from the vacuum he put him in a few weeks back.  When Vern showed up of
course, this changed his mind.  We have no idea what the status of The
Quaker's Wife is as he wouldn't tell us what he did with her, and instead
hinted at multiple Mopkin births.

Then something happened that no one expected.  I did say that I heard rumors
of a special guest returning, BUT THIS WAS NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING!!
Apparently the 'therapist' that Vern has been seeing to help with his denial
of his vacuum experience was none other than Handy, The Handpuppet of Doom.
No wonder Vern seems to be making less sense than usual.  I know, I said
Handy was dead.  I did all I could, and found no sign of him.  It was a safe
bet after 6 months or more without a peep from the annoying little puppet,
that he was indeed dead.  I was happy.  Then he shows up in a Zoltan-like
appearance.  For a moment I thought it was Hollywood Lance again, as the
lights went out and Real American started playing.  When the lights came
back on, there he was.  In a way it's like an ego-maniac like Hogan coming
back to the WWF, oops, WWE.  It's a novel thing - Oh look, it's HANDY!  But
quickly it descends and you realize that it isn't actually a good thing...
I tried to convince him he was dead.  I really did.  I tried to get Zoltan
to rid us of him, but I think Zoltan was amused by his presence...

Then, when I thought it was as chaotic as it could get, Friend came rushing
in to welcome Handy back...  Yeah...  Here are some of Zoltan's thoughts on
the whole matter...
-----------------------------------------------------
Talk about days (or nights) not turning out as expected:

I thought that I'd be going to the station with my mighty "Vernilator" to
take care of that damn-dirty Mopkin, once and for all.

And who made a totally, shockingly, absolutely surprise visit to the
station??............Could it be??  Is it possible??  Oh, my God, it's
really happening...  BEHOLD, THE (semi-annual?!?!) RETURN OF THE
ALLEGEDLY-DEAD-BUT-NONETHELESS MIGHTY HANDY, HAND-PUPPET OF DOOM!!!

What followed was unbelievably insane -- thanks, in part, to the added chaos
injected by a stormy (and also surprise) visit from a VERY hyper Friend.
Among other delightful activities, he proceeded to dispense an entire roll
of toilet paper onto the heads of a hapless Handy and ZTA.  (I can't wait to
see the pictures of that li'l episode!)  Oh, Friend also fired staples at
us... as well as, of course, LOTS of Friendings for all... ugh...

......Oh, and there was a "food fight", of sorts, involving E. L. Fudge
cookies and plastic cups (among other, assorted, not-normally-airborne
objects)......
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Right, that was from Zoltan...  Hopefully we will be Handy free from now on.
Right.  Ok, if he shows up again, I will have to... um...  do SOMETHING
unpleasant to him.  I think that will take a huge amount of creativity
seeing as some of the things that have happened to him in the past have
ceased to destroy him (many of them Monkey related)...  If he was able to
survive all that, I don't know what else can be done.  But there has to be
something...  Anyway, onto other stuff...
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The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - June 14, 2002

I don't think this week can top last weeks show.  Simple as that.  I don't
know that there are any special plans for The Metallic Onslaught this week,
but be aware that the show may occasionally be pre-empted for sports now for
a couple of months or so.  Really annoying when it happens, but the show
will be on as soon as whatever sporting event being broadcast is done.

As for The Last Exit...  Zoltan has promised to take care of the situation
with Vern.  I have no idea what that means.  I guess we'll find out Saturday
night.  As far as I know, Vern is still holding the Quaker's Wife captive...
We should have, as well, Still Your Enemy stopping by near the beginning of
the show.  The band is from NYC and features Bob and Urith from One Step
Beyond who have been up plenty of times in the past...
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The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught: Afterwards - June 18, 2002

Interesting weekend.  On the Metallic Onslaught things were basically back
to normal after the whole Worm Quartet invasion a couple of weeks back.  As
for The Last Exit, we had Still Your Enemy stop by (The attached picture as
promised is of our Giant Canadian standing behind 3 of the 5 members of SYE,
from left to right, Meredith, Bob, and Urith.  Zoltan showed up to proclaim
Vern dead, yet again, and Bob ran back in and for some reason proposed to
him.  That makes the second person from The Last Exit to be proposed to by
Bob.  We don't know why.  Zoltan turned him down.  Timmy also stopped by
later on, the first time since our failed Armageddon, and just filled us in
on what he had been up to since then.  Oh, yeah, and Zoltan also rescued The
Quaker's Wife and took care of any potential Mopkin offspring as well...
She became his first groupie.  Friend got jealous and dragged her away...

Check out Still Your Enemy's website at http://www.stillyourenemy.com/.
Also, Meredith from the band, along with Joe Caravello have a promotion
company for indie bands.  They have a page under construction at
www.sickpromotions.com.  In the meantime they can be contacted at
inksperience@aol.com (Meredith) or Joeizyummy@aol.com (Joe) for more info...

And now, the sad demise of Audiogalaxy, which was by far the best music
sharing system out there.  I got a lot of very hard to find, rare, and out
of print stuff from it, and now, it is no more.  It also had some great ways
of leading you to new music, a lot of which I never would have been able to
seek out if it weren't for AudioGalaxy.  No matter you stance on file
sharing, a lot of good can come from it, especially for those of us who only
use it to find stuff that would otherwise be impossible.  In my opinion, the
RIAA will never shut all the file sharing services down.  It will never
happen.  5 will sprout up for every one they shut down.  AudioGalaxy was
willing to filter out artists that asked them to do so.  That wasn't enough.
I think the RIAA is shooting themselves in the foot on this one.  Oh well...
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The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught: Afterwards - June 26, 2002

So, Frank from Blind Identity showed up at The Metallic Onslaught.  You can
check out more on the band at www.blindidentity.com.  They have a 2 song CD
out...


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The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - June 29, 2002

Ok, so this is going out a bit late.  The Metallic Onslaught was already on.
Apparently Jeff smuggles bones.  That much was established.  Make of it what
you will.

The attached pic is of Friend wearing Zoltan's fuzzy hat and doing his best
to make him uncomfortable...


